Sleep vs rest

When we feel tired, we try to sleep, and after sleep, sometimes we still feel exhausted? Why? What is happening? 

We need to understand that this is because our body needs rest, not sleep. We may get this rest from sleep, but many times, this does not work. Sleep and rest are not the same thing, although many of us incorrectly assume that sleep is giving us rest.

We go through life thinking we’ve rested because we have gotten enough sleep — but in reality we are missing out on the other types of rest we desperately need. The result is a culture of high-achieving, high-producing, chronically tired and chronically burned-out individuals. We all have heard of sleep debt but in this case, we are suffering from a rest deficit because we don’t understand the true power of rest.

According to Dr Saundra Dalton-Smith, physician and researcher, rest should provide restoration in 7 key areas of our life:

1. Physical rest--this can be passive or active. Passive physical rest includes sleeping and napping, while active physical rest means restorative activities like yoga, stretching and massage that help improve the body's blood circulation and flexibility.

2. Mental rest--Many of us get irritable and have a difficult time concentrating at work, even at the start of the day. When we lie down at night to sleep, we frequently struggle to turn off the brain as conversations from the day fill our thoughts. Despite sleeping for 7-8 hours, we wake up feeling as if we never went to bed. It means we have a mental rest deficit.

To overcome this, we need to schedule short breaks every 2 hours throughout our workday which remind our brain to slow down. We can also jot down any nagging thoughts before sleeping that keep us awake.

3. Sensory rest--Bright lights, laptop screens and background noise, whether at home on Zoom calls or in office, can easily overwhelm our senses. Again, closing our eyes for even one minute periodically can give us good sensory rest. Intentionally unplugging from all the devices at the end of the day begins to undo the damage inflicted by our over-stimulating world.

4. Creative rest--This type of rest is especially important for anyone who must solve problems or brainstorm new ideas. Creative rest reawakens the awe and wonder inside each of us. Allowing ourselves to take in the beauty of the outdoors — even if it’s at a local park or in our backyard — provides us with creative rest. But creative rest isn’t simply about appreciating nature; it also includes enjoying the arts. We can turn our workspace into a place of inspiration by displaying images of places we love and works of art that speak to us. 

5. Emotional rest--each one of us depend on someone for help and similarly, they also depend on us for some other favour. So all of us get emotionally exhausted by the end of the day. Emotional rest means having the time and space to freely express our feelings and cut back on pleasing others. Emotional rest also requires the courage to be authentic. An emotionally rested person can answer the question “How are you today?” with a truthful “I’m not okay” — and then go on to share some of his hard things that otherwise go unsaid.

6. Social rest--When we are in need of emotional rest, we also need social rest. Need for social rest arises when we fail to differentiate between those relationships that revive us from those relationships that exhaust us. To experience more social rest, we should surround ourselves with positive and supportive people, rather than energy draining people. 

7. Spiritual rest--This is the ability to connect beyond the physical and mental realm and feel a deep sense of belonging, love, acceptance and purpose. To receive this, we should engage in something greater than ourselves and add prayer, meditation or community work to our daily routine.

As we can see, sleep alone can’t restore us to the point we feel rested. So it’s time for us to begin focusing on getting the right type of rest we need.

(Adapted from the Ted talk in Jan,2021 by Dr Saundra Dalton-Smith)

My journey of 'Gratitude diary'

I wrote the first entry in my 'Gratitude diary' on 12th July, 2002, and that was a special day! I had read about the value of writing things one feels grateful about, and so started my diary. When I read these entries, it recreates that time and warms my heart. And then I chanced upon this piece from the scriptures, which so clearly emphasizes the virtue of being grateful. So here is the story:

Long ago a bird was living in a desert and its living conditions were awful; there was no green tree and water. It was very sick, with no feathers, nothing to eat and drink and no shelter to live, so he kept on cursing his life all the time. The bird was perpetually stressed because of the lack of food and shelter from the scorching sun in the desert. One day an Angel was crossing from that desert. The bird stopped the Angel and inquired, ”Where are you going?” Angel replied ”I am going to meet God". So the bird asked the angel, "Please ask God when my suffering will come to an end?" Angel said,” Sure, I will!' and bid a good bye to the bird.

Angel reached the God’s place and shared the message of bird with Him. Angel told Him how pathetic the condition of the bird was and inquired when the suffering of the bird was going to end ? God replied, "For the next seven life times the bird has to suffer like this, no happiness till then". Angel said, "When bird will hear this he will get disheartened. Could You suggest any solution for this?"

God told him to recite this mantra ‘Thank you God for everything’.

Angel met the bird again on the way back and delivered the message of God to the bird. After seven days the angel was passing again from the same path and saw that bird was so happy. Its feathers grew up on his body, a small plant grew up in the desert area, a small pond of water was also there, and the bird was singing and dancing cheerfully. Angel was astonished how it happened! God had told that for seven life times there was no happiness for the bird. With this question in mind he went to visit God.

Angel asked his query. Then God replied,"Yes it was true that there was no happiness for the bird for seven life times but it was because of the bird reciting the mantra 'Thank you God for everything’ in every situation. When bird fell down on the hot sand, it said 'Thank you God for everything'; when it could not fly. it said 'Thank you God for everything'. So whatever the situation was, the bird kept on repeating 'Thank you God for everything' and therefore the seven life times karma got dissolved in seven days.

When I read this story it further guided me towards the power of gratefulness. I felt a tremendous shift in my way of feeling, thinking, accepting and viewing the life situations. I adopted this mantra in my life whatever the situation I faced, I started reciting this mantra ‘ Thank you God for everything’. It helped me to shift my view from what I did not have to what I have in my life. This simple mantra really left a deep impression and I started feeling how blessed I am!

What about the 15-hour working week, asks an anthropologist?

Last Monday, an article was published in The Straits Times (31st Aug, 2020) by an anthropologist, James Suzman, titled "The 300,000-year case for the 15-hour working week". He makes a strong argument that to understand the future of work, we need to look deep into our past. The article mentions some things from our evolution, which compelled me to read it again, and it seemed to make so much sense. I am putting the main points from this article below, which I think we all need to pay attention to, and do something about it. In his words:

For three decades, I have been documenting the lives of the Ju/'hoansi people of the north-western Kalahari, and their often traumatic encounter with modernity. The Ju/'hoansi are perhaps the best known of the handful of societies who still sustained themselves by hunting and gathering well into the 20th century. And to them, very little about the relentlessly expanding global economy makes sense.

Why, they asked me, did government officials who sat in air-conditioned offices drinking coffee and chatting all day long get paid so much more than the young men they sent out to dig ditches? Why, when people were paid for their work, did they still go back the following day rather than enjoy the fruits of their labour? And why did people work so hard to acquire more wealth than they could ever possibly need or enjoy?

It was hardly a surprise that the Ju/'hoansi asked these questions. By the time I started working with them, it was already widely accepted that they were the best modern exemplars of how all of our hunting and gathering ancestors must have lived. But the longer I stayed with them, the more I became convinced that understanding their economic approach not only offered insights into the past - it also provided clues as to how we in the industrialised world might organise ourselves in an increasingly automated future.

Seldom have these lessons seemed more urgent. As jobless numbers surge as a result of Covid-19's spread, practices once seen as fringe are accepted as an almost inevitable part of the new world order. 
Governments are talking up their willingness to embrace revolutionary economic vaccines, from state-sponsored furlough schemes to giving us cash to eat in restaurants - anything to get people back to work.

The same spirit infused pre-pandemic debates about the future of work, which focused mainly on concerns arising out of the relentless cannibalisation of the employment market by ever more productive automated systems and artificial intelligence.

WHAT IS WORK FOR?

It is easy to see why this generates such anxiety. The work we do also defines who we are; it determines our future prospects, dictates where and with whom we spend most of our time and moulds our values.

In the early 20th century, economist John Maynard Keynes predicted that by 2030, capital accumulation, improvements in productivity and technological advances would have ushered in an age in which no one besides a few “purposive moneymakers” worked more than 15 hours in a week. Yet, says the writer, most of us now work longer hours than Keynes’ contemporaries did.

So much so that we sing the praises of strivers and decry the laziness of shirkers, while the goal of universal employment remains a mantra for politicians of all stripes.

But it wasn't meant to be like this. Ever since the first stirrings of the Industrial Revolution, people have been tantalised by the prospect of a future in which automation progressively liberates ordinary folk from dreary work.

In 1776, the founding father of modern economics, Adam Smith, sang the praises of the "very pretty machines" that he believed would in time "facilitate and abridge labour"; in the 20th century, Bertrand Russell described how, in a soon-to-be automated world, "ordinary men and women, having the opportunity of a happy life, will become more kindly and less persecuting" and even lose their "taste for war".

Russell was hopeful that this change would happen in his lifetime. "The war showed conclusively that, by the scientific organisation of production," he observed in 1932, "it is possible to keep modern populations in fair comfort on a small part of the working capacity of the modern world."

And from the turn of the 20th century to the onset of World War II, weekly working hours in industrial countries did indeed reduce steadily.

The economist John Maynard Keynes, Russell's contemporary, was of a similar mind. He predicted that by 2030, capital accumulation, improvements in productivity and technological advances would have solved the "economic problem" and ushered in an age in which no one besides a few "purposive moneymakers" worked more than 15 hours in a week.

He also took the view that the metallic hum of automated production lines was the death knell of orthodox economics. The institutions and structures that organise our formal economies are predicated squarely on the assumption of scarcity: that although people's desires are limitless, the resources available to satisfy their needs and wants are not. In the automated future, he believed, absolute scarcity would be a thing of the past, and as a result, we would cheerfully discard our by-then obsolete economic infrastructure and working culture.

Hindsight tells us they were wrong. We passed the thresholds Keynes argued would need to be met to achieve a "golden age of leisure" decades ago. Yet most of us now work longer hours than Keynes' and Russell's contemporaries did. And as automation and Covid-19 corrode the employment market, we remain fixated on finding new work for people to do - even if that work often seems to have no point other than to keep the wheels of commerce turning and pushing growth back into the black.

BORN TO WORK

In a very fundamental way, we are born to work. All living organisms seek, capture and expend energy on growing, staying alive and reproducing. Doing this elemental work is one of the things that distinguishes living organisms such as bacteria, trees and people from dead things, like rocks and stars. But even among living organisms, humans are conspicuous for the work they do.

Most organisms are "purposive" when they expend energy, meaning that while it is possible for an external observer to determine a purpose to their actions, there is little reason to believe that they set about their work with a clear vision of what they want to achieve in their minds.

Humans, by contrast, are uniquely purposeful. When we go to work, we usually do so for more reasons than just to capture energy. Plotting our species' evolutionary trajectory reveals that over thousands of generations, our bodies and minds have been shaped progressively by different kinds of work our various evolutionary ancestors did.

It also shows that natural selection moulded us into master generalists, supremely adapted to acquiring an astonishing range of skills during our lifetimes. Charting our evolutionary history also suggests that for most of history, the more purposeful and accomplished at securing energy our evolutionary ancestors became - by virtue of the simple tools they made and eventually, perhaps half a million years ago, by their mastery of fire - the less time and energy they spent on the food quest. Instead, they spent time on other purposeful activities such as making music, exploring, decorating their bodies and socialising.

Indeed, it is possible that our ancestors would never have developed language were it not for the free time won by fire and tools because, like our cousins the gorillas, they would have had to spend up to 11 hours a day laboriously foraging, chewing and processing fibrous, hard-to-digest foods.

New genomic and archaeological data now suggests that Homo sapiens first emerged in Africa about 300,000 years ago. But it is a challenge to infer how they lived from this data alone.

HOW HUNTER-GATHERERS LIVED

The most famous of these studies dealt with the Ju/'hoansi, a society descended from a continuous line of hunter-gatherers who have been living largely isolated in southern Africa since the dawn of our species. And it turned established ideas of social evolution on their head by showing that our hunter-gatherer ancestors almost certainly did not endure "nasty, brutish and short" lives.

The Ju/'hoansi were revealed to be well fed, content and longer-lived than people in many agricultural societies, and by rarely having to work more than 15 hours per week had plenty of time and energy to devote to leisure. Subsequent research produced a picture of how differently Ju/'hoansi and other small-scale forager societies organised themselves economically.

It revealed, for instance, the extent to which their economy sustained societies that were at once highly individualistic and fiercely egalitarian, and in which the principal redistributive mechanism was "demand sharing" - a system that gave everyone the absolute right to effectively tax anyone else of any surpluses they had. It also showed how, in these societies, individual attempts to either accumulate or monopolise resources or power were met with derision and ridicule.

Most importantly, though, it raised startling questions about how we organise our own economies, not least because it showed that, contrary to the assumptions about human nature that underwrite our economic institutions, foragers were neither perennially preoccupied with scarcity nor engaged in a perpetual competition for resources.

AGRICULTURAL ROOTS OF SISYPHEAN STRUGGLE

For while the problem of scarcity assumes that we are doomed to live in a Sisyphean purgatory, always working to bridge the gap between our insatiable desires and our limited means, foragers worked so little because they had few wants, which they could almost always easily satisfy. Rather than being preoccupied with scarcity, they had faith in the providence of their desert environment and in their ability to exploit this.

If we measure the success of a civilisation by its endurance over time, then the Ju/'hoansi - and other southern African foragers - are exponents of the most successful and sustainable economy in all of human history. By a huge margin.

These days, Ju/'hoansi do not have much cause to celebrate this. Largely dispossessed of their lands over the past five decades, most scrape a living in shanties on the fringes of Namibian towns and in "resettlement areas" where they do battle with hunger and poverty-related diseases. Unable to secure jobs in a capital-intensive economy where youth unemployment hovers just below 50 per cent, they depend on begging, casual labour - often in return for maize porridge or alcohol - and government aid.

If our preoccupation with scarcity and hard work is not part of human nature but a cultural artefact, then where did it originate?

There is now good empirical evidence to show that our embrace of agriculture, beginning a little over 10,000 years ago, was the genitor of not just our belief in the virtues of hard work but, alongside it, the basic assumptions about human nature that underwrite the problem of scarcity and, in turn, the institutions, structures and norms that shape our economic - and social - lives today.

It is no coincidence that our concepts of growth, interest and debt as well as much of our economic vocabulary - including words such as "fee", "capital" and "pecuniary" - have their roots in the soils of the first great agricultural civilisations.

Farming was much more productive than foraging, but it placed an unprecedented premium on human labour. And no matter how favourable the elements, farmers were subject to an unrelenting annual cycle that ensured that most of the efforts only ever yielded rewards in the future. More than this, as any farmer will tell you, the fates will punish those who put off an urgent job like mending a fence or sowing a field in a timely fashion and reward those who go the extra mile to make contingencies for the unexpected.

Were Russell still alive today, he would probably be happy to learn that there is good evidence that our attitudes to work are a cultural byproduct of the miseries endured in early agricultural societies.

REASONS FOR REVIEWING WORK CULTURE

Yet there are many good reasons to revisit our working culture, not the least of which being that for most people, work brings few rewards beyond a payslip. As the pollster Gallup showed in its momentous survey of working life in 155 countries published in 2017, only one in 10 western Europeans described themselves as engaged by their jobs. This is perhaps unsurprising. After all, in another survey conducted by YouGov in 2015, 37 per cent of working British adults said their jobs were not making any meaningful contribution to the world.

Even putting these facts aside, there is a far more urgent reason to transform our approach to work.

Bearing in mind that at its most fundamental, work is an energy transaction, and that there is an absolute correspondence between how much work we collectively do and our energy footprint, there are good grounds to argue that working less - and consuming less - will not just be good for our souls but may also be essential to ensuring the sustainability of our habitat.

The economic trauma induced by the pandemic has provided us with an opportunity to reimagine our relationship with work and to re-evaluate what jobs we consider really important. Few now would be willing to stick their necks out to argue in favour of an economy that incentivises our best and brightest to aspire to be derivatives traders rather than epidemiologists or nurses, and once-fringe ideas such as the provision of universal basic income or the formalisation of a four-day week have flourished.

And more than all this, the pandemic has also reminded us that when it comes to how we work, we are far more adaptable than we often realise.

After reading the article, what thoughts you have? Do we need to change our policies and work towards a shorter working week? Will that be beneficial for everyone

How positivity can transform us

I was truly impacted while reading this article titled "Are You Getting Enough Positivity in Your Diet?"by Barbara Fredrickson who is the Kenan Distinguished Professor at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill and also the author of "Positivity'. Hence I thought of sharing parts of it with you. Here it is, in her words:

Imagine you’re a water lily. It’s early dawn and your petals are closed in around your face. If you can see anything at all, it’s just a little spot of sunlight. But as the sun rises in the sky, things begin to change. Your blinders around your face begin to open and your world quite literally expands. You can see more. Your world is larger.

Just as the warmth of sunlight opens flowers, the warmth of positivity opens our minds and hearts. It changes our visual perspective at a really basic level, along with our ability to see our common humanity with others. We know this because we’ve done studies that show this.

When people experience positive emotions, they have a wider awareness -- which may explain why people have a better memory for peripheral details when they’re remembering episodes that were positive. Positive emotions quite literally help us see more possibilities. And there are lots of benefits that flow from this:

1. People are more creative when they’re experiencing positive emotions; when solving a problem, they come up with more ideas of what they might do next. This enhanced creativity has been directly linked to having a wider awareness.
2. People are more likely to be resilient. I have conducted a whole line of research showing that people are able to bounce back more quickly from adversity when they’re experiencing positive emotions.
3. Kids’ academic performance improves. Research has shown that kids do better on math tests or other tests if they’re just asked to sit and think of a positive memory before they take the test.
4. There are medical benefits. Research has shown that doctors make better medical decisions when they’re given a bag of candy—a really small way of inducing positive emotions. Keep that in mind the next time you go to your doctor’s office!
5. Positive emotions make us more socially connected to others, even across groups. They help us see the universal qualities we share with others, not our differences. And other experiments show that if you induce positive emotions, people are more trusting and come to better win-win situations in negotiations.

So positive emotions don’t just help us see the glass half full—that’s true, but it’s not the whole story. They also help us see larger forms of interconnection. They help us see the big picture.

Positive emotions transform us

The second core truth about positive emotions is that they transform us for the better—they bring out the best in us.

Now one interesting fact about all living things is that scientists estimate that, on average, we replace one percent of our cells each day. That’s another one percent tomorrow, about 30 percent by next month, and by next season, 100 percent of our cells from today—that’s one way of looking at it. So maybe it’s no coincidence that it takes three months or so to learn a new habit or to make a lifestyle change; maybe we need to be teaching our new cells because we can’t teach an old cell new tricks.

But one of the things I think is even more exciting is that the latest science suggests that the pace of cell renewal and the form of cell renewal doesn’t just follow some predetermined DNA script. Our emotions affect that level of cellular change. What this suggests is that if we increase our daily diet of positive emotions, we broaden our awareness over time and change who we become in the future.

With this in mind, I was inspired by some of the newest research on meditation to look into how people might use meditation to elevate their basic levels of positive emotion—the amount of positive emotions they feel day-in, day-out.

In particular, I looked at a form of meditation called loving-kindness meditation, sometimes called metta, which asks people to take that warm, tender feeling they already have toward a loved one and learn to generate it toward other people, ranging from themselves to people with whom they have difficulties and eventually to all sentient beings on Earth.

People in my studies were novice meditators, but as they learned loving-kindness meditation over the course of eight weeks, their daily levels of positive emotions subtly shifted upwards. And this boost in positive emotions helped them build some important resources. One of those resources was mindfulness, their ability to stay in the present moment and maintain awareness of their thoughts, feelings, and surroundings. Also, their close and trusting relationships with others improved from the time they started learning meditation to a few weeks after the training ended.

We also saw improvements in people’s resilience—their ability to bounce back from difficulties and effectively manage the challenges they encountered—and reductions in aches and pains and other signs of physical illness. These results suggest that if we increase our daily diet of positive emotions, we emerge three months later as more resilient, more socially connected versions of ourselves.

The positivity ratio

So positive emotions can clearly carry some profound benefits. But how much positivity do we need in our lives to reap these benefits—how much is enough?

Our research has concluded that a ratio of at least three-to-one -- three positive emotions for every negative emotion -- serves as a tipping point, which will help determine whether you languish in life, barely holding on, or flourish, living a life ripe with possibility, remarkably resilient to hard times. Ratios of about two-to-one are what most of us experience on a daily basis; people who suffer from depression and other emotional disorders are down near one-to-one or lower.

It’s important to note that the ratio is not three-to-zero. This is not about eliminating all negative emotions. Part of this prescription is the idea that negative emotions are actually necessary.

Consider a sailboat metaphor. Rising from the sailboat is the enormous mast, which allows the sail to catch the wind and give the boat momentum. But below the waterline is the keel, which can weigh tons. You can see the mast as positivity and the keel down below as negativity. If you sail, you know that even though it’s the mast that holds the sail, you can’t sail without the keel; the boat would just drift around or tip over. The negativity, the keel, is what allows the boat to stay on course and manageable.

When I once shared this metaphor with an audience, a gentleman said, "You know, when the keel matters most is when you’re sailing upwind, when you’re facing difficulty." Experiencing and expressing negative emotions is really part of the process for flourishing, even -- or especially -- during hard times, as they help us stay in touch with the reality of the difficulties we’re facing.

So this idea of the ratio points out where we should be. But how do we get there? What are the best ways to foster positive emotions and achieve this ratio?

Here’s my advice: If you make your motto, “Be positive,” that will actually backfire. It leads to a toxic insincerity that’s shown to be corrosive to our own bodies, to our own cardiovascular system. It’s toxic for our relationships with other people. I think we all know that person who’s trying to pump too much sunshine into our lives. I think that’s the biggest danger of positive psychology: that people come out of it with this zeal to be positive in a way that’s not genuine and heartfelt.

One of the things that I think is very useful is to keep in mind that there’s reciprocal relationship between the mindset of positivity and positive emotions—a mindset of positivity begets positive emotions, and positive emotions beget positivity. So if we lightly create the mindset of positivity, from that positive emotions will follow.

How to foster that mindset? It helps to be open, be appreciative, be curious, be kind, and above all, be real and sincere. From these strategies spring positive emotions.

Now some of these are pretty self-explanatory, but I do want to explain what “be open” means as a way to increase your positive emotions. The reason that this works is that so often we can be preoccupied worrying about the future, ruminating about the past so we’re completely oblivious to the goodness that surrounds us in the present moment. But when we’re really open to our current circumstances, those sources of goodness are so much easier to draw from, and they yield positive emotions.

Another thing, I think, that can be really useful is to step on the positivity scale frequently and track your positivity ratio. I think knowing one day’s positivity ratio may not be too informative. But if you take this short measure at the end of every day for two weeks, you could probably get a sense of what your life is like right now. Then continue to use it as you continue to make changes in your life, as you introduce more opportunities to be grateful, or start a meditation practice, or start volunteering and giving more frequently, and then track your positivity ratio and see if it changes—see how those steps make a difference in your life.

Just as a nutritionist will ask people to keep track of their physical activity and their caloric intake as a way to meet their health and fitness goals, this is a way to keep track of your daily emotional diet so you can meet your well-being goals.

I want to close with a famous Native American story. It goes like this: One evening, an old Cherokee tells his grandson that inside all people, a battle goes on between two wolves. One wolf is negativity: anger, sadness, stress, contempt, disgust, fear, embarrassment, guilt, shame, and hate. The other is positivity: joy, gratitude, serenity, interest, hope, pride, amusement, inspiration, awe, and above all, love.

The grandson thinks about this for a minute, then asks his grandfather, “Well, which wolf wins?”

The grandfather replies, “The one you feed.”

Happy reading everyone, and re-reading.... I hope you would have enjoyed this article as I enjoyed it!

Learning requires three partners

Learning requires effort. Good education takes three partners - student, teacher and parents. While the student's main responsibility is to study well and realize his potential, and the teacher's duty is to teach effectively so that the students do well in life, then what is the parents’ role? What can a mother or father do to help her/his child perform better?

Children spend 16 to 18 hours at home and only 6 to 8 hours at school but the role and duties of teachers and schools are overemphasized. Early formative years of a child are the most impressionable period. Parents are the first and foremost teachers of children, who ‘teach’ not only by telling but also by practical examples. Also teachers keep changing but parents are constant companions. The parents' role in the upbringing and education of a child is immense. As a lecturer, I used to think that parents should be just seen occasionally and that's all. But now that I have raised two children of my own, my attitude has changed. I am convinced that if parents take an active part in their child's education and development, it makes an enormous difference.

In the triangle of child, parents and teacher, if there is some communication or relationship problem at any of the three links, the child's performance cannot improve at school. Education is the way students are prepared, intellectually and morally, to survive the waves of change that sweep the world. The purpose of education is to enable young people to become more knowledgeable and adaptable, to be well-rounded and civilized adults.

Parents’ role is to keep the balance right and not push the children and create a hothouse climate. Besides, parents must play a big part by supporting their child's search for knowledge in different ways. For instance, if your child is in junior college doing A-levels and wants to study arts or music instead of medicine or accountancy for a degree, think again before you give your judgement. Times are changing and you, as parents, have a great responsibility to encourage and support your child in letting him pursue his interests in a particular field.

Growth mindset vs fixed mindset

I recently read this article titled "Upgrade Your Mindset for Success" by Gustavo Razzetti, and was inspired to share with everyone. I had read Carol Dweck's book mentioned below a few years ago which discusses the growth mindset in detail. This article has succinctly explained the types of mindsets as well as the differences between the mindset and attitude. So here is the article:

Success and happiness are all about mindset. What you think you become. Your mindset doesn’t just affect how you see the world. It shapes your responses and actions even if you don’t realize it. Developing the right mindset is crucial to succeeding in anything.

What is a mindset?

A mindset is a frame of mind. It’s the sum of beliefs, opinions, and thoughts that you formed about the world and yourself. Think of your mindset as a lens through which you filter reality. Our education, religion, upbringing, and experience shape our beliefs and thoughts. That’s why our mindset is a fixed state of mind — we have our mind “set.” Thus, determine how you perceive and react to specific events. Napoleon Hill said: “There are no limitations to the mind except those we acknowledge. Both poverty and riches are the offspring of thought.”

Mindset vs. Attitude

» Mindsets can change, but they tend to change slowly. It’s easier to correct our attitude than our mindset.

» An attitude is a short-term reaction shaped by our mindset. It is a settled way of thinking or feeling about someone or something specific.

» A mindset is a collection of beliefs and thoughts that shape your thought habits. They impact how you make sense of the world (and yourself).

» An attitude has a short-term impact. That’s why they are easier to modify. Our mindsets are deeply ingrained in our beliefs. They require extra effort to change them.

» A mindset is a fixed mental disposition that predetermines our responses to and interpretations of situations. Your mindset filters reality.

» Your mindset pre-determines your interpretations and responses. It shapes your relationship with the world and with yourself.

» Choose your mindset wisely and overcome the beliefs that limit your potential. Then you can create positive consequences instead of negative ones.

Mindsets liberate or limit our potential

Once your mindset changes, everything on the outside will change along with it. Carol_Dweck’s book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, took education and business by storm. It suggests that our beliefs about our own intelligence determine our ability to learn.

A Fixed Mindset is the belief that our qualities are fixed traits that we cannot change. People with this mindset believe that talent alone leads to success. So, if you don’t have it in adequate amount, you just can’t do/achieve XYZ. A Growth Mindset, conversely, is believing that our intelligence can grow with time and experience. This mindset encourages us to put in extra time — effort leads to higher achievement. A Fixed Mindset limits our capacity for learning, whereas a Growth Mindset helps us reach our full potential.

Multiple Mindsets

When we think about mindset, most people think about the Growth Mindset versus Fixed Mindset. But that’s just one angle – there are many important shades of both. The problem is that Growth Mindset craze has oversimplified the notion of mindset. Binary thinking limits the conversation because we are then left with two options: we either have a Growth Mindset or a Fixed mindset – nothing else and nothing in-between. This is not true.

Remember: Mindsets are lenses we use to explore our reality. We need to discover other types of mindsets beyond the Growth one. The lenses we use affect how we deal with our emotions. A negative mindset can amplify our negative feeling. It can get us stuck in rumination.

Our mindsets create two effects on us: they either limit or liberate our potential. The mindset we use can make things clearer or cloud our perception. For example, binary thinking forces us to consider only two possibilities. We think in terms of one thing or the other. And see things through a right or wrong lens.

Understanding that there are many mindsets is vital. You’ll then become more aware of the lenses that you apply to reality. Therefore, before you change your mindset, let’s analyze the most frequent types of mindset that come to the fore most frequently as individuals, teams or organizations try to upgrade their mindset in order to liberate their high performance.

This is not an exhaustive list but a starting point to help you reflect on the lenses you use:

» Right or Wrong. We love being right. The trouble with this mindset is that we stop paying attention to other perspectives. Instead of learning, we just care about winning the argument. ‘Confirmation Bias’ is the tendency we have to embrace information that supports our beliefs. Wanting to be right makes us reject facts that might illuminate our views.

» Victim vs. Accountable. Self-pity is a dangerous choice. When we play the victim, we lose control of our life. And blame others for the things that go wrong rather than taking action. Playing the victim role is a lose-lose situation. No one will come to rescue us. Life requires that we own our actions.

» Comparing to others vs. being your own standard. There will always be someone doing better or worse than ourselves. When we compare to others, we invite jealousy and envy to poison our lives.
Comparisons are deceiving. Recover control by becoming your own standard. Focus on your progress, not on someone else’s status.

» Scarcity vs. Abundance. In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey explains that when we apply a scarcity lens, we compete for available resources. Even when there is an abundance of them, our mindset imprisons us. An abundance mindset is based on the belief that there’s enough for everyone. This paradigm is grounded in generosity and self-worth.

» Stuck to the past vs. open to the future. The past can keep us imprisoned if we don’t learn to let go of painful experiences. Even positive experiences can hold us hostage. Living on past glories limits our ability to enjoy the present. We must make room for new experiences.

» Saying “No” vs. “Yes, and…”. Too many “no” kill creativity. However, that’s our usual answer when introduced to new ideas. We say “no”, even before considering their potential. We are trained to reject uncertainty and new concepts. Creativity requires a “Yes, and…” mindset. Rather than blocking the conversation, amplify creativity by building on others’ ideas.

» Divide vs. Unite. There are two ways to lead people. One is by creating an enemy and leading a crusade to conquer it. Another is finding a shared purpose, and inspiring people to be part of something bigger than themselves. The divide-and-conquer paradigm creates life or death situations. We turn everyone into an enemy. Alternatively, the Unite-and-build mindset brings out the best in people. It encourages collaboration and participation.

» Reactive vs. proactive. Reactive people believe they are not responsible for what they say or do. They don’t control their choices. And let their circumstances control them instead. Proactive people don’t waste their energy or time. They focus on what they can manage. And think through scenarios, prioritize, and focus on the future. A proactive mindset puts you in control.

» Fearful vs. fearless. Seeing life through a fear lens is intimidating. Fear will always get in our way. Adopting a courageous mindset is vital to achieving greatness. Being successful requires adopting a fearless mindset. Courage does not mean the absence of fear. But to face our fear. We move forward in spite of our fears.

» Avoidance vs. facing reality. Complaining when things go wrong doesn’t change anything. Rather than running away from reality, accept it. An avoidance mindset gets us stuck complaining about what went wrong or don’t like. Rather than fighting reality, face it. Upgrade your mindset. Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up. It’s a necessary step to move forward.

STEPS TO UPGRADE YOUR MINDSET FOR SUCCESS

1. Become more aware of your mindsets. Accept that your thinking needs adjustment. Start by increasing awareness of your emotional state. When you react or before making a decision, which lens are you using to see reality? Are you adopting a perfectionist mindset? Or a ‘me-me-me’ one – and think that the world revolves around you? Reflect on how your mindset affects your view. If your mindset is negative, how can you re-frame it into a positive one?

2. Avoid seeing reality in binary terms. Most mindsets are deceiving. They force us to see the world in black and white terms. Binary thinking creates a false dilemma. We act as if there are only two possible options when they are actually more. Challenge your binary thinking. Avoid the tendency to split all the things into two categories: black and white, either-or, right or wrong. Binary thinking is not always bad. Sometimes it can help. Sometimes it is necessary. But, in most cases, it’s just a shortcut — a form of generalization. Not everything fits into one of two categories.

3. Reflect on your beliefs. Our mindsets are deeply-ingrained in our beliefs. To change our mindset, we must first examine our belief-system. What’s holding you back? Are your beliefs supporting you or limiting you? Identify the beliefs that are helpful and work with those that are not. Religion and politics are perfect examples of this. There’s nothing wrong with your ideology. But most people take it to an extreme. They reject anything or anyone that doesn’t agree with their beliefs.

4. (re)Define your purpose in life. We all want to be part of something bigger than ourselves. What’s your life purpose? Find your ‘why.’ What does success mean to you? There’s a difference between achieving success and being successful. Achieving success is about reaching a specific destination. Being successful is a state of mind — it’s about appreciating the journey. Create your own measure of success. What mindsets will help you get there? Select the lenses that will help you achieve your higher mission in life. Finding your life purpose is not about the destination. It’s all about the journey.

5. Turn limiting mindsets into liberating ones. Challenge your existing mindsets. Go back to the analysis you did on point 1. What are the mindsets that are not helping you? Changing your mindsets is not easy. But it’s worth the effort.

We are creatures of habit. Our mindsets take a long time to develop. Upgrading them requires replacing a pattern with a new one. Your mindset is a lens that filters your reality. Upgrade your mindset. Turn limiting beliefs into liberating ones.

(Taken from https://liberationist.org/how-to-upgrade-your-mindset-for-success)

Collected tips for releasing stress

Listed below are some collected tips for releasing stress and enhancing happiness in our lives:

Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, SMILE. It is the ultimate antidepressant.

Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

When you wake up in the morning, pray to ask God's guidance for your purpose, today.

Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, broccoli and almonds.

Try to make at least three people smile each day.

Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control.

Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Forgive them for everything!

Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Make peace with your past, so it won't spoil the present.

Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

Help the needy, be generous! Be a 'Giver', not a 'Taker'.

What other people think of you is none of your business.

Time heals everything.

However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

Each night before you go to bed, pray to God and be thankful for what you have accomplished today!

Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

Purpose of life

"What is my purpose in life?", I asked the Universe.

"What if I told you that you fulfilled it when you took an extra hour to talk to that child about his life?', said the Voice. "Or when you paid for that young couple in that restaurant? Or when you saved that dog in traffic? Or when you tied your father's shoes for him?"

"Your problem is that you equate your purpose with goal-based achievements. The Universe isn't interested in your achievements...just your heart. When you choose to act out of kindness, compassion and love, you are already aligned with your true purpose. No need to look any further!"

All of us are looking for some purpose in our lives. But that usually ends up being some objectives to be achieved, some milestones to be attained. What is actually important is how we behave in day-to-day life-- whether our behaviour is giving happiness to others or hurting them. When we are able to behave and act with patience, empathy and consideration of others' feelings, we are already aligned with the purpose of our life.

25/5 rule of Warren Buffet

Warren Buffet is one of the wealthiest and most successful investors in the world, and has demonstrated remarkable emotional intelligence on so many occasions. For example, have you ever heard of Buffet's 25/5 rule? Here's the story behind the rule--and how it can benefit us.

The 25/5 rule: Simple yet brilliant.

According to the story, Buffet asked one of his employees (who wanted his guidance) to make a list of his top 25 career goals. Then Buffet told him to circle the top 5 goals. Rather than brainstorming strategies to prioritize those goals in the right way, Buffet recommended using the list in a very unique way. He told him to:

1. Remain focused on accomplishing goals 1 through 5, and

2. Stay completely away from working on goals 6 through 25.

What's the lesson?
"It's all about focus." "You're not going to accomplish 25 things in your life. If you really focus long-term you can do three to five big ones, maybe. And the impediment to your not having focus is numbers 6 through 25, because those are the things you're interested in. Those are your biggest potential distractions."

This simple rule is a brilliant way to apply emotional intelligence in our everyday life. It's easy to come up with five things we really want to do. But it's even easier to get distracted from actually making progress on those five goals, because we get caught up in the excitement, the joy, the temporary pleasure of things that simply aren't as important.

And that's why it's so important to identify items 6 through 25--to help us identify the things that are holding us back.

How to make the 25-5 rule work for us?

In the story, Buffet was advising his employee on how to reach his biggest career or life goals. But we can extend this rule to help us with daily, weekly, and monthly priorities as well.

For example, every morning, we might make a task list of five to 10 things we'd really like to accomplish for the day. Then, circle only the top task (or maximum two). Don't do any of the other tasks--no meetings, no calls, nothing--until we've knocked out that top priority.

Do the same thing for the week. Identify 10 things we'd like to get done, but circle only the top two or three. Make those top tasks our ultimate priority, and don't let the others get in the way. We can repeat the same process for one month, for one year, or even for five-year strategy. Once our list is complete, we need to get in the habit of asking ourselves the following questions when faced with choices on how to spend our time:

1. Will this task help me reach my goal for the day?
2. Will this project help me reach my top goals for the year?
3. Will this strategy help me reach my ultimate career goals?
4. Or, does it fall under the second category: interesting, but a distraction?

Use the 25-5 rule and you won't just achieve relentless focus--you'll make emotions work for you, instead of against you.

Practical advice on 'modern' parenting

The word 'parenting' seems to have taken a different meaning, when I look back how we were raised by our parents about 60 years ago, then how we raised our children about 30 years ago, and how children are being raised today. The times have changed, so have the economic situations, and the overall attitude towards handling the kids. The net result seems so different, and sometimes disagreeable to me, that I cringe inside. Echoing my sentiments, I came across this piece of writing by Mr Narayan Murty, CEO Infosys, titled 'Have we failed in bringing up our ‘modern’ kids? So it is given below in his words:

A very distressed neighbour shared that he had driven home after a long day at work. As he entered, he saw his wife in bed with fever. She had laid out his dinner on a tray.

Everything was there just as he wanted it. The dal, vegetables, salad, green chutney, papad and pickles… ”How caring,” he thought, “Even when she is unwell, she finds the strength to do everything for me.”

As he sat down to eat, he realised that something was missing. He looked up at his grown up daughter who was watching TV and said, ”Beta (child), can you get me my medicine and a glass of water, please?”

She rolled up her eyeballs to show her displeasure at being disturbed, but did the favour nevertheless.

A minute later he realised that salt was missing in the dal.

He said, ”Sorry beta, can you please get me some salt?”

She said, ”Ufff!” and got the salt but her stomping shoes made it clear that she did not appreciate the disruption.

A few minutes later he said, ”Beta …”

She banged the TV remote on the table and said, ”What is it now Dad? How many times will you make me get up? I too am tired; I had a long day at work!”

The man said, ”I’m so sorry beta…”
Silence prevailed.

The man got up and placed the dishes in the kitchen sink and quietly wiped the tear escaping his eye.

My heart wept… I often wonder; "Why is it that the youngsters of the so called modern world behave like this? Have we given them too much freedom to express? Have we failed to discipline and give them the right values?"

"Is it right to treat children as friends?" Think of it this way, they have lots of friends. But they have only one set of parents. If they don’t do ‘parenting’, who will?

Today the ‘self-esteem’ of even a new born or an infant is being talked about; but what about the self-esteem of the parents? Are they supposed to just fan the egos of their children, while the children don’t care two hoots about theirs?

Often parents say, “Aajkal ke bachhe sunte kahaan hain (Where will you find obedient children in these times)?” Why?

The other day, we were at a dinner party. All the seats were occupied except for one bean bag. One of our fifty-something friends told his teenage daughter to move to the bean bag, so that he could sit on the high back chair she occupied.

She said, ”Why can’t you sit on the bean bag?”

I was zapped; we all knew that the father had a back ailment, and even otherwise… Well!

Later as everyone was taking leave of the host, the same guy realised that he had left his car keys inside. He asked his daughter to go and get them.

“Why can’t you go and get them yourself? I am not your maid!”

I looked away in disgust and disbelief. The poor guy had no option but to make light of the situation saying, ”Ya, Ya, but Daddy is your eternal servant my princess!”

He went inside to fetch the car keys. This is what our social behaviour has become! Why?

If we need to teach children about self-respect, self-esteem and self-confidence, we also need to tell them that howsoever big and rich and famous they may be, their parents shall always be their parents… children can never be their equals, let alone be their bosses!

Remember to Pay- RENT – Respect, Empathy, Niceness, and Time!

Mr Murty writes, "I always advise parents to be parents and not friends. Your kids can have n number of friends but have only ONE set of parents." "So don’t be afraid to set rules and make the children obey them".

This piece resonated with my feelings, as I have also seen and felt as parents, that in the name of being friends with our children, sometimes they don't give that basic respect, empathy, and even time and attention that they should be according to them.

My day at Gita forum

Last month, I attended the Gita Forum in Singapore and it was so enlightening. Swamini Supriyananda ji of Chinmaya Mission, Hong Kong explained beautifully how we can practice Gita in our daily lives. Below are some of the points I had jotted down:

Uplift yourself; we are our best friend as well as our worst enemy.

Our mind is the most powerful thing on this planet. It controls our lives all the time. So use your mind to lift yourself, to be a friend to yourself. Don't waste it by putting yourself down.

All of us have split personality-- we are at our best during the day, but worst in dreams.

We "wait" for life to happen, to be happy, and in this wait, life gets wasted.

We have to "create" our life; act rather than react, which means create 'love' around us.

Don't just sit there, waiting for love, happiness or blessings to come to us. Get up and create the world you want to live in.

Humility is not bowing down to someone; it simply means that 'I am not better than you', and 'I am not worse than you'.

When we bow down to God, or some elder, it is to lift ourselves. Their gesture of blessing or raising you up indicates that you are being lifted up.

How to do things differently?

Swaminiji gave 3 step process for this:
(1) Understand why you need to do that thing differently. Is your way of doing or behaving hurting you or others? What are the benefits of doing it some other way?
(2) Have willpower to start the project, work or the intended activity, without any excuses.
(3) Practice that work or activity till you start enjoying it. Practice, and practice again, to leave the old habit; then only new habit will form. It takes a lot of work, effort and strong desire to change our habits or way of doing things.

How to tap the divinity within us?
When we quieten our mind, hush chatter of our mind, let go of all the desires that drive us, then only we can stay in the present moment. When our layers of different personalities are 'shut down', either by meditation or mindfulness, then we connect with divinity within us.

The best way to inspire others is to bring change in ourselves.

Treat others as you would like to be treated yourself.

Invest energy in something with mindfulness

I came across this story sent by Om Swami which was just perfect for today! Why I say today, because I was lost in some thoughts for quite some time, and didn't realize that, about what I was thinking, had already happened without any consequence. Let's read the story now....

“I’ve come with great hope, O King!” the aghori said. “Can Your Majesty grant my wish?”
“Say what you seek,” the king replied. “I’ve plenty for charity.”
“Just this bowl I need filled.” The aghori extended his bowl.
“That’s all? Are you mocking the royalty? Just the alms bowl! I am offended.”

Bhadraghosha, the king, had a point for his philanthropy was as acclaimed as his opulence. He ruled a vast empire and for an ascetic smeared in ash to approach him for a mere bowl-full of alms was a waste of his time, at least in the king’s eyes.

“You speak right but in haste, Maharaj,” the aghori said. “No one has ever been able to fill this bowl to the brim. Maybe Your Majesty is different.”

The king clapped and summoned his treasurer and ordered him to fill the bowl with jewels.

“Not so soon, Maharaj,” the aghori said, “I will only hand over my bowl on one condition.”
“Say.”
“If Your Majesty is unable to fill it, thou shall abdicate thy throne for me.”
“And what if I succeed?”
“I shall shave my matted locks, become your slave and sing your glories for the rest of my life. Truth be told, I shall take you as my guru.”

The bowl was handed to the treasurer who filled it with jewels in no time.

“I don’t understand what the fuss was about,” Bhadraghosha said, “it’s already full.”
“See again, Maharaj,” the aghori said.

The bowl was empty. Another attempt was made to fill it, but just a few moments later, it was empty again. They tried filling it with grains, beans, gold, milk, water, silk, with every physical object they could get their hands on, even pebbles and stones, but all in vain. The king and the courtiers began to sweat. They could almost visualize the aghori’s ascension to the throne.

“Forgive me, O mysterious one!” the king said, falling at his feet, “Are you Shiva? Who are you?”
“I’m just a simple ascetic, Maharaj,” the aghori said raising the king, “you don’t belong at my feet but the throne.”
“Enlighten me, please. What’s so special about this bowl?”

“It is made from a human skull. No matter how much you put in, it’s never satiated beyond a few moments. It always wants more. Even when it’s full, it looks empty. This false appearance of emptiness is very dangerous, Maharaj. It makes men go around in circles till their last breath chasing one thing after another but this skull is never content. Millions of thoughts enter in it and yet it continues to maintain the illusion of emptiness.”

The ceaseless flow of thoughts and desires in our minds, the incessant trickle of feelings in our consciousness, spilling over our very beings is at the root of human restlessness and discontent. We fulfill one desire and before we can enjoy the fruits of it, more often than not, we feel impelled to work towards another. As long as a mind isn’t trained to be still, it can’t be content.

And, contentment isn’t always a feeling. Or, a lack of it doesn’t mean one is greedy. Sometimes, in fact mostly, discontentment is merely the brain yakking away like a little child who’s talking to himself, the kind who has just learned to form phrases and sentences, these are the thoughts in our skull. What is even more fascinating is how an unchecked thought continues to build up and takes up all the space in our consciousness like a tiny bubble rising from the bottom of a pond to its surface and as it continues its journey to the top, it keeps on growing. This bubble floats on the water for a wee bit and then it bursts.

The difference between a good and a great meditator isn’t just the stillness of the mind or superior one-pointed concentration, it is but mindfulness. That is, the art of not pay attention to your mind’s chatter. It’s a highly rewarding skill to master: to be able to ignore the thoughts in your brain. For, no matter how grave something may appear in the present moment, once the mind calms down, the same issue begins to feel less significant. What seemed like a life-and-death situation last night, can feel remarkably pointless, even funny, in the morning, particularly after a good night’s sleep and nutritious breakfast.

Ever seen a hen hatch its eggs? It sits on it for days. Several times during the day, it’ll come and sit on its eggs, giving them the warmth and protection. This gesture keeps the eggs alive and one day tiny chicks pop out. The hen falls in love with her chicks and is possessive about them. She gets attached to the eggs (now chicks) she once laid and protected. This is exactly what happens to any thought we don’t let go. At first, it’s inside us where we let it develop. One day, it takes a tangible form and we are forced to face it. If you sit on it, you keep it alive. And one day it hatches, and by this time one is so invested in this thought that it feels right to hold onto it, to chase it. That becomes the way of the mind then. A pessimist becomes a chronic worrier, an optimist overconfident. Passion becomes an obsession and obsession a disorder.

Mindfulness keeps the flow of thoughts in check. It makes you aware of what you are dwelling on. Best of all, it gives you the ability to shift your attention at will.

Human mind doesn’t know the nature of a thought. It doesn’t know whether it’s good or bad, right or wrong, fresh or stale. We give those labels based on our conditioning and understanding. If you don’t sit on a thought, it will never hatch. And if it doesn’t hatch, you have one less attachment, one thing less to worry about. There’s no wisdom in supplying an undesirable thought with food (of attention and deliberation) or to keep filling your skull (with thoughts). It’s a bowl that never fills.

Let go. Shift your attention. Invest your energies in something creative and meaningful.

Some key points from Dr Viktor Frankl

Continuing from my last post from Dr Viktor Frankl's book on 'Man's search for meaning', these are some key points:

1. A person finds meaning by striving and struggling for a worthwhile goal, a freely chosen task.

2. To overcome 'existential frustration', Dr Frankl calls attention to the gap between what one is and what one should become. Man is responsible and must actualize the potential meaning of his life.

3. He sees freedom and responsibility as two sides of the same coin.

4. To achieve personal meaning, one must transcend subjective pleasures by doing something that points, and is directed, to something, or someone, other than oneself, by giving himself to a cause to serve, or another person to love.

5. Dr Frankl himself chose to focus on his parents by staying in Vienna when he could have had safe passage to America.

6. Even when confronted by loss and sadness, Dr Frankl's optimism, his constant affirmation of and exuberance about life, led him to insist that hope and positive energy can turn challenges into triumphs.

7. Frankl emphasized on the importance of nourishing one's inner freedom, embracing the value of beauty in nature, art, poetry, and literature, and feeling love for family and friends. But other personal choices, activities, relationships, hobbies, and even simple pleasures can give meaning to life.

8. Why do some people find themselves feeling so empty? Frankl's wisdom here is worth emphasizing-- it is a question of the attitude one takes towards one's life's challenges and opportunities, both large and small.
A positive attitude enables a person to endure suffering and disappointment as well as enhance enjoyment and satisfaction.
A negative attitude intensifies pain and deepens disappointments; it undermines and diminishes pleasure, happiness, and satisfaction; it may even lead to depression or physical illness.

9. Subsequent research in psychoneuroimmunology has supported the ways in which positive emotions, expectations, and attitudes enhance our immune system. This research also reinforces Frankl's belief that one's approach to everything from life-threatening challenges to every day situations helps to shape the meaning of our lives.

10. The choices humans make should be active rather than passive. In making personal choices we affirm our autonomy. Frankl writes-- man is ultimately self determining. What he becomes-- within the limits of endowment and environment,-- he has made out of himself.

11. Persons facing difficult situations/choices may not fully appreciate how much their own attitude interferes with the decision they need to make or the action they need to take. Frankl offers readers who are searching for answers to life's dilemmas a critical mandate-- he does not tell people what to do, but why they must do it.

12. Frankl stimulated many therapists to look beyond patient's past or present problems to help them choose productive futures by making personal choices and taking responsibility for them. He argued that therapists should focus on the specific needs of individual patients, rather than extrapolate from abstract theories.

13. Despite a demanding schedule, Frankl also found time to take flying lessons and pursue his life long passion for mountain climbing. He joked that in contrast to Freud's and Adler's "depth psychology", which emphasizes delving into an individual's past and his or her unconscious instincts and desires, he practised "height psychology", which focuses on a person's future and his or her conscious decisions and actions.
His approach to psychotherapy stressed the importance of helping people to reach new heights of personal meaning through self-transcendence-- the application of positive effort, technique, acceptance of limitations, and wise decisions.

14. His goal was to provoke people into realizing that they could and should exercise their capacity for choice to achieve their goals. Writing about tragic optimism, he cautioned us that "the world is in a bad state, but everything will become still worse unless each of us does his best."

15. In conclusion, the meaning of our life is to help others to find the meaning of theirs.

Man's search for meaning

I read this book called "Man's search for meaning" by Dr Viktor Frankl recently, again, as I had read it a few years ago also. This is one book which I can read again and again, and still looks new! It is written in an autobiographical style by psychiatrist, Dr Viktor Frankl. He discusses many specific examples from his imprisonment in a Nazi concentration camp in 1943, along with his professional knowledge to offer a method for discovering personal fulfillment and a sense of meaning in life.

This book helps us in providing perspective and techniques to use to find meaning in our lives. Dr Frankl tells the story of his and others' suffering in order to provide a first hand account of the thoughts and behaviors a person goes through when confronted with such misery. Below I have taken some excerpts from his book to substantiate what he means by this.

In the Nazi concentration camp in Auschwitz, Dr Frankl watched and witnessed some of his comrades behave like swine while others behaved like saints. Man has both potentialities within himself; which one is actualized depends on his decisions but not on conditions. He says, a human being is a finite thing, and his freedom is restricted. It is not freedom from conditions, but it is freedom to take a stand towards conditions. Man is capable of defying and braving even the worst conditions conceivable to an unexpected extent.

Some psychoanalysts say that man is nothing but the result of biological, psychological and sociological conditions, or the product of heredity and environment. Such a view of man makes a neurotic believe what he is prone to believe anyway, namely, that he is the pawn and victim of outer influences or inner circumstances.

Dr Frankl proposed logotherapy (logos means 'meaning' in life). Logotherapy regards responsibility as the essence of existence, meaning that a person needs to determine his or her own meaning of life by answering this question in terms of individual wants and needs. Essential concepts to Logotherapy are "hyper-intention" and "hyper-reflection." Hyper-intention is the idea that trying to force something will make it impossible to achieve, and hyper-reflection is the idea that too much focus on a particular thought or behavior will lead to unhealthy outcomes. Logotherapy bases its therapeutic technique on the notion of "paradoxical intention," which is a method of focusing on unwanted circumstances as a means of utilizing hyper-intention and hyper-reflection to produce one's actual objectives.

Through an examination of logotherapy, Dr Frankl contrasts its approach with traditional psychoanalysis and emphasizes it is the only form of therapy that can help people with their search for meaning. The meaning of life can be discovered in three ways. First, one can perform a deed. Second, one can experience something or encounter someone. Or thirdly, one can demonstrate a certain attitude toward suffering. Concepts of existential frustration, noogenic neuroses, and life's transitoriness are addressed in terms of their relative impact on a person's search for and perception of meaning.

His view on pan-determinism says that man is not fully conditioned and determined but rather determines himself whether he gives in to conditions or stands up to them. Pan-determinism means the view of man which disregards his capacity to take a stand toward any conditions whatsoever. In other words, man is ultimately self-determining. Man does not simply exist but always decides what his existence will be, what he will become in the next moment. By the same token, every human being has the freedom to change at any instant, or is capable of changing the world for the better if necessary. Freedom however is not the last word. Freedom is only part of the story and half of truth. Freedom is but the negative aspect of the whole phenomenon where positive aspect is responsibleness. In fact, freedom is in danger of degenerating into mere arbitrariness unless it is lived in terms of responsibleness.

Tragic optimism demonstrates the defiant power of the human spirit. Meaning in life is available in spite of suffering, provided that the suffering is unavoidable. If the suffering is avoidable, the meaningful thing to do is to remove its cause. Alternatively if one cannot change a situation that causes his suffering, he can still choose his attitude. The priority stays with creatively changing the situation that causes us to suffer. But the superiority goes to the "know-how to suffer", if need be. Empirical evidence has shown that those held in highest esteem by most of the people are neither the great artists, great scientists, neither the great statesmen nor the great sports figures, but those who master a hard lot with their heads held high.

A tragic optimism means that one is, and remains, optimistic in spite of the "tragic triad", as it is called in logotherapy. A triad consists of those aspects of human existence which may be circumscribed by : (1) pain, (2) guilt, and (3) death. How is it possible to say yes to life in spite of all that?

After all, "saying yes to life in spite of everything", presupposes that life is potentially meaningful under any conditions, even those which are most miserable. And this in turn presupposes the human capacity to creatively turn life's negative aspects into something positive or constructive. In other words, what matters is to make the best of any given situation. "The best", however, is that which in Latin is called optimum. Tragic optimism best allows for --(1) turning suffering into a human achievement and accomplishment; (2) deriving from guilt the opportunity to change oneself for the better; and (3) deriving from life's transitoriness an incentive to take responsible action. It must be kept in mind, however, that optimism is not anything to be commanded or ordered. One cannot even force oneself to be optimistic indiscriminately, against all odds, against all hope.

It is a characteristic of our culture that one is commanded, and ordered to "be happy". But happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue. One must have a reason to "be happy". Once the reason is found, however, one becomes happy automatically.As we see, a human being is not in pursuit of happiness but rather in search of a reason to become happy, through actualising the potential meaning inherent and dormant in a given situation.

This need for a reason is similar in another specifically human phenomenon-- laughter. If you want anyone to laugh you have to provide him with a reason, e.g., tell him a joke. In no way is it possible to evoke real laughter by urging him, or having him urge himself, to laugh. Once an individual's search for a meaning is successful, it not only renders him happy but also gives him the capacity to cope with suffering.

One universal phenomenon in our industrialized societies is the feeling of meaningfulness resulting from a frustration of our existential needs. In oversimplification, it means that people have enough to live by but nothing to live for; they have the means but no meaning. Meaninglessness is not a sign of pathology, but proof of one's humanness. But although it is not caused by anything pathological, it may well cause a pathological reaction. Just consider the mass neurotic syndrome so pervasive in the younger generation-- there is empirical evidence that the 3 facets of this syndrome-- depression, aggression, addiction -- are due to what is called in logotherapy-- "the existential vacuum", a feeling of emptiness and meaninglessness.

What is meaning? The logotherapist is concerned with the potential meaning inherent and dormant in all the single situations one has to face throughout his or her life. Meaning in plain words is becoming aware of what can be done about a given situation. And how does a human being go about finding meaning? As logotherapy teaches, there are 3 main avenues on which one arrives at meaning in life:

(1) By creating a work or by doing some deed.

(2) By experiencing something or encountering someone (e.g., in love). Experiencing can be as valuable as achieving because it compensates for one -sided emphasis on the external world of achievement at the expense of the internal world of experience.

(3) Most important however, is the third avenue to meaning in life: even the helpless victim of a hopeless situation facing a fate he cannot change, may rise above himself, and by so doing change himself. He may turn a personal tragedy into a triumph.

Logotherapy may help counteract certain unhealthy trends in today's culture, where the incurable sufferer is given very little opportunity to be proud of his suffering and to consider it ennobling rather than degrading, so that "he is not only unhappy, but also ashamed of being unhappy".

Dr Frankl says--" Live as if you were living for the second time and had acted as wrongly the first time as you are about to act now."

As a prisoner in concentration camp from September 1942, for 3 years, he was suddenly forced to assess whether his own life still had any meaning. His survival was a combined result of his will to live, his instinct for self-preservation, some generous acts of human decency, and shrewdness, and of course, blind luck. However, something more was needed to overcome the deprivations and degradation of the camp. Dr Frankl drew constantly upon uniquely human capacities such as inborn optimism, humour, psychological detachment, brief moments of solitude, inner freedom, and a steely resolve not to give up or commit suicide. He realized that, no matter what happened, he retained the freedom to choose how to respond to his suffering. He saw this not merely as an option but as his and every person's responsibility to choose "the way in which he bears his burden."

Excessive focus is no good for us

We keep talking about remaining 'focused' on whatever we are doing to achieve best results. We have been told that the ability to focus is an important driver of excellence. Focused techniques such as to-do lists, timetables, and calendar reminders all help people to stay on task. Few would argue with that, and even if they did, there is evidence to support the idea that resisting distraction and staying present have benefits. Yet as helpful as focus can be, there’s also a downside to focus as it is commonly viewed.

The problem is that excessive focus exhausts the focus circuits in our brain. It can drain our energy and make us lose self-control. This energy drain can also make us more impulsive and less helpful. As a result, decisions are poorly thought-out, and we become less collaborative.

So what do we do then? Focus or unfocus?

In keeping with recent research, both focus and unfocus are vital. The brain operates optimally when it toggles between focus and unfocus, allowing us to develop resilience, enhance creativity, and make better decisions too, according to Dr Srini Pillay,M.D.( May,2017). When we unfocus, we engage a brain circuit called the “default mode network.” Abbreviated as the DMN, we used to think of this circuit as the Do Mostly Nothing circuit because it only came on when we stopped focusing effortfully. Yet, when “at rest”, this circuit uses 20% of the body’s energy (compared to the comparatively small 5% that any effort will require).

The DMN needs this energy because it is doing anything but resting. Under the brain’s conscious radar, it activates old memories, goes back and forth between the past, present, and future, and recombines different ideas. Using this new and previously inaccessible data, we develop enhanced self-awareness and a sense of personal relevance. And we can imagine creative solutions or predict the future, thereby leading to better decision-making too. The DMN also helps us tune into other people’s thinking, thereby improving team understanding and cohesion.

There are many simple and effective ways to activate this circuit in the course of a day.

Using positive constructive daydreaming (PCD): PCD is a type of mind-wandering different from slipping into a daydream or guiltily rehashing worries. When we build it into our day deliberately, it can boost our creativity, strengthen our leadership ability, and also-re-energize the brain. To start PCD, we choose a low-key activity such as knitting, gardening or casual reading, then wander into the recesses of our mind. But unlike slipping into a daydream or guilty daydreaming, we might first imagine something playful and wishful—like running through the woods, or lying on a yacht. Then we swivel our attention from the external world to the internal space of our mind with this image in mind while still doing the low-key activity. PCD activates the DMN and helps in connecting ideas across our brain (to enhance innovation), and assists to pick up long-lost memories that are a vital part of our identity. In this state, our sense of “self” is enhanced that helps us to enhance our agility and manage change more effectively too.

Taking a nap: In addition to building in time for PCD, we can also consider authorized napping. Not all naps are the same. When our brain is in a slump, our clarity and creativity are compromised. After a 10-minute nap, studies show that we become much clearer and more alert. But if it’s a creative task we have in front of us, we will likely need a full 90 minutes for more complete brain refreshing. Our brain requires this longer time to make more associations, and dredge up ideas that are in the nooks and crannies of our memory network.

Pretending to be someone else: When we’re stuck in a creative process, unfocus may also come to the rescue when we embody and live out an entirely different personality. In 2016, educational psychologists, Denis Dumas and Kevin Dunbar found that people who try to solve creative problems are more successful if they behave like an eccentric poet than a rigid librarian. Given a test in which they have to come up with as many uses as possible for any object (e.g. a brick) those who behave like 'eccentric poets' have superior creative performance. This finding holds even if the same person takes on a different identity.

When in a creative deadlock, try this exercise of embodying a different identity. It will likely get us out of our own head, and allow us to think from another person’s perspective. For years, focus has been the venerated ability amongst all abilities. Since we spend 46.9% of our days with our minds wandering away from a task at hand, we crave the ability to keep it fixed and on task. Yet, if we built PCD, 10- and 90- minute naps, and 'eccentric poets' into our days, we would likely preserve focus for when we need it, and use it much more efficiently too. More importantly, unfocus will allow us to update information in the brain, giving us access to deeper parts of ourselves and enhancing our agility, creativity and decision-making too.

(Adapted from an article by Srini Pillay, M.D. who is an executive coach and CEO of NeuroBusiness Group) 

Positive parenting tips--Old and New

Whenever I meet my friends or other people, most of them being parents, invariably topic comes to parenting! And everyone has his fair share of advice for positive parenting. It seems as if we, modern time parents, have coined this term 'positive parenting' and what it includes. But wait! Reference to this is found in ancient Thirukkural text.

Thirukkural was written by Tiruvalluvar (a Tamil poet/writer) more than 5,000 yrs ago. It’s one of the ancient sciences on Human Behaviour, which has not changed in spite of modern education & technology!

Some golden thoughts of Thirukkural:

1. If your children lie to you often, it is because you over-react too harshly to their inappropriate behaviour.

2. If your children are not taught to confide in you about their mistakes, you’ve lost them.

3. If your children had poor self-esteem, it is because you advice them more than you encourage them.

4. If your children do not stand up for themselves, it is because from a young age you have disciplined them regularly in public.

5. If your children take things that do not belong to them, it is because when you buy them things, you don’t let them chose what they want.

6. If your children are cowardly, it is because you help them too quickly.

7. If your children do not respect other people’s feelings, it is because instead of speaking, you order & command them.

8. If your children are too quick to anger, it is because you give too much attention to misbehaviour & you give little attention to good behaviour.

9. If your children are excessively jealous, it is because you congratulate them only when they successfully complete something & not when they improve at something even if they don’t successfully complete it

10. If your children intentionally disturb you, it is because you are not physically affectionate enough.

11. If your children are openly defiant, it is because you openly threaten to do something but don’t follow through.

12. If your child is secretive, it is because they are sure that you would blow things out of proportion.

13. If your children back-answer to you, it is because they watch you do it to others & think its normal behaviour.

14. If your children don’t listen to you but listen to others, it is because you are too quick to jump to conclusions

15. If your children rebel it is because they know you care more about what others think than what is right

The importance of moderation in diet

For maintaining a good, resilient health, we need to eat healthily. One of the keys to sustaining improvements in the way we eat is the ability to practice moderation in our diets. As a society, we tend to take an 'all or nothing' approach to food; eating too much of something or trying to eliminate that food or category of foods all together. That tendency towards extremes becomes even more obvious when we look at what's happened to the food on the shelves of our local supermarkets. On the one hand, we've super sized everything, and on the other hand, we see claims like fat free and sugar free everywhere in the supermarket, and these claims attract us because they're absolute.

However, if we can master the skill of eating with moderation, then no single food needs to be forbidden. We can eat the foods we enjoy as long as we don't consume too much of them. How much we eat is a very important question. But how to regulate our appetite is very hard for most of us. We socialize to eat until we're full. That's not a natural thing. And it's not a universal thing.

In France when you're hungry you say, "I have hunger". And at the end of the meal you don't say "I'm full"; you say "I am no longer hungry". That's very different than being stuffed. The moment at which you're no longer hungry is many bites before the time when you're stuffed. And we ask our kids the wrong questions. We ask, "Are you full?" We should rather ask, "Are you satisfied?" or "Are you still hungry?"

So you see, there are cultural ways and manners that help us deal with quantity of food we eat. We have to look at things like the way we talk about food. Are people really looking for lots of calories when they eat? I think they're looking for lots of food experience, an intense satisfying food experience. If you look at the French, and many other cultures as well, they get more food experience with less food. And they do that partly by eating more slowly, eating socially, and eating better quality food. There is a trade off between quality and quantity.

 
In fact, one of the biggest contributors to the obesity epidemic throughout the world has been our tendency to consume enormous quantities of low quality food. This is not to suggest that the foods we eat need to be expensive, but we need to spend our food budget wisely on the foods that will support both good health and enjoyment. What about having less of the better food so that every bite is enjoyable? So let's focus on those first few bites-- smaller portions of better quality food. Many cultures actually have a rule that basically says stop eating before you're full. Japanese suggest to eat until you're 80% full, Chinese say eat until you're 75% full, and in the Ayurveda it says you should eat until you're two thirds full. Everything but a 100%, which is what most of us do.

Next time you're going to eat something, ask yourself a few questions about it. Will this food bring me pleasure or Am I eating is because it's a food I feel I'm allowed to eat? Eating food that doesn't bring you any pleasure is another form of taking in empty calories, because they're empty of enjoyment.

The very next question to ask about a food you're considering eating is this, "Is this food worthy of me?" And it means, will this food support me in achieving all of the things I want to achieve, including good health? If the answer to this question is yes, then the very next question is, "How much of this food do I really need to eat to feel satisfied, knowing that I can have it again tomorrow or later this week because I've mastered the art of moderation?"

Each day should include moderate amounts of food that bring us pleasure. Moderation allows us to enjoy our food, knowing that subtle variations won't be make us sick!

The curse of processed foods

One of the biggest problems with our diet today is that much of our food is refined, or highly processed. I call it the 'curse of processed foods'! Let me explain why?

A refined or highly processed food is one which lasts longer on the supermarket shelf because pests, like mold for example, are less attracted to foods that are low in nutrients. But the question is, if highly processed food is so low in nutrients that even the pests don't want to eat it, how healthy can it be for us?

In fact, the nutrient content of any given food is directly related to the spoil rate of that food. Foods that are very low in nutrients spoil much more slowly than foods that are rich in nutrients. One of the best predictors of a healthy diet is whether it is cooked by a human being or a large corporation. And the reason is that when we outsource our food preparation to big companies, they tend to cook in a certain way that isn't very healthy. They tend to use too much salt, fat, and sugar, all of which are problematic nutrients for our health, and they tend to use the cheapest possible raw ingredients.

Thinking about the nutrient density of the food is another conceptual way of making sensible food decisions. The nutrient density of a food can be thought of as the amount of nutritional value, including vitamins, minerals, and fiber, divided by the calories, or energy content, of that food. Foods that provide lots of calories with very little nutritional value are sometimes called energy dense foods, but their nutrient density is low. For example, a glass of soft drink is high in calories without providing much in the way of nutritional value. A bunch of fresh spinach, on the other hand, would be an example of a nutrient dense food because its nutritional value is relatively high compared to its caloric content.

When people talk about fast food being cheaper than fresh food, they're often referring to the fact that the cost per calorie of highly processed food is lower than that of fresh, whole food. This is often true because highly processed food is so high in calories that the cost per calorie is relatively low. But, if we instead look at the cost of food per unit of nutrient density, then buying fewer calories of higher nutrient density food is a much better use of our food budget.

In the midst of a serious epidemic of obesity, avoiding empty calories should be on the top of our list of priorities. One of the reasons why highly processed food is usually higher in calories is that in order to make these products sell, significant amounts of fat, sugar, and salt are added to make the nutrient-stripped foods taste good. Additives like colorants, artificial flavors, stabilizers, and other preservatives, are also added to enhance packaged products and increase their shelf lives.

The last thing we need to be aware of are highly processed foods that are sold as healthy foods. These are products that have synthetic nutrients added back to them after they've been refined, and this is usually done to make the product seem healthy to the nutrition aware consumer. It's important to remember that the most nutritious foods, like broccoli, don't come in packages which tell us how healthy they are. So we need to be 'beware' of the curse of the processed foods!

Differences between male and female behaviours

Have you ever wondered why men behave differently than women?

It is no secret that men and women are different; in fact, very different. Research shows that there are differences in behaviour due to major differences between male and female brains in some ways. Scientists have generalized four primary areas of difference in male and female brains: processing, chemistry, structural differences, and brain activity. As with all gender differences, no one way of doing things is better or worse. The differences listed below are simply generalized differences in typical brain functioning, and it is important to remember that all differences have advantages and disadvantages.

Processing

Male brains utilize nearly seven times more gray matter for activity while female brains utilize nearly ten times more white matter. What does this mean? Gray matter areas of the brain are localized. They are information- and action-processing centers in specific areas of the brain. This can translate to a kind of tunnel vision when they are doing something. Once they are deeply engaged in a task or game, they may not demonstrate much sensitivity to other people or their surroundings.

White matter connects the brain’s gray matter and other processing centers with one another. This profound brain-processing difference is probably one reason you may have noticed that women tend to more quickly transition between tasks than men do. The gray-white matter difference may explain why, in adulthood, females are great multi-taskers, while men excel in highly task-focused projects.

Chemistry

Male and female brains process the same neurochemicals but to different degrees and through gender-specific body-brain connections. Some dominant neurochemicals are serotonin, which, among other things, helps us sit still; testosterone, our sex and aggression hormone; estrogen, a female growth and reproductive hormone; and oxytocin, a bonding-relationship hormone.

In part, because of differences in processing these chemicals, males on average tend to be less inclined to sit still for as long as females and tend to be more physically impulsive and aggressive. Additionally, males process less of the bonding hormone oxytocin than females. Overall, a major takeaway of chemistry differences is to realize that our boys at times need different strategies for stress release than our girls.

Structural Differences
A number of structural elements in the human brain differ between males and females. “Structural” refers to actual parts of the brain and the way they are built, including their size and/or mass. Females often have a larger hippocampus, our human memory center. Females also often have a higher density of neural connections into the hippocampus. As a result, girls and women tend to input or absorb more sensorial and emotive information than males do. By “sensorial” we mean information to and from all five senses. If you note your observations over the next months of boys and girls and women and men, you will find that females tend to sense a lot more of what is going on around them throughout the day, and they retain that sensorial information more than men.

Additionally, before boys or girls are born, their brains developed with different hemispheric divisions of labor. The right and left hemispheres of the male and female brains are not set up exactly the same way. For instance, females tend to have verbal centers on both sides of the brain, while males tend to have verbal centers on only the left hemisphere. This is a significant difference. Girls tend to use more words when discussing or describing incidence, story, person, object, feeling, or place. Males not only have fewer verbal centers in general but also, often, have less connectivity between their word centers and their memories or feelings. When it comes to discussing feelings and emotions and senses together, girls tend to have an advantage, and they tend to have more interest in talking about these things.

Blood Flow and Brain Activity
While we are on the subject of emotional processing, another difference worth looking closely at is the activity difference between male and female brains. The female brain, in part thanks to far more natural blood flow throughout the brain at any given moment (more white matter processing), and because of a higher degree of blood flow in a concentration part of the brain called the cingulate gyrus, will often ruminate on and revisit emotional memories more than the male brain.

Males, in general, are designed a bit differently. Males, after reflecting more briefly on an emotive memory, tend to analyze it somewhat, then move onto the next task. During this process, they may also choose to change course and do something active and unrelated to feelings rather than analyze their feelings at all. Thus, observers may mistakenly believe that boys avoid feelings in comparison to girls or move to problem-solving too quickly.

These four, natural design differences between brains listed above are just a sample of how males and females think differently. Scientists have discovered approximately 100 gender differences in the brain, and the importance of these differences cannot be overstated. Understanding gender differences from a neurological perspective not only opens the door to greater appreciation of the different genders, it also calls into question how we parent, educate, and support our children from a young age.