Is this all I want?

Today morning I watched one video on J Krishnamurti's teaching, and it left me pondering! He mentioned how all of us are trying to 'become somebody' all the time. For instance, "I am okay in my job, but I am trying to be better"; or "Now I don't get time for doing something, but once my children grow up, I will do it", etc. It seems we are trying to change from our present state to something perceived better in future, as if we are in a perennial race to reach somewhere. That is why the need of psychologists and psychiatrists has increased tremendously.

If we look seriously, somehow our society's culture doesn't encourage us to reflect on such things until it is too late. We are so wrapped up with egotistical things, career, family, having enough money, getting a new car, etc.--- we are involved in millions of little things just to keep going. So we don't get into the habit of standing back and looking at our lives and saying, "Is this all I want? Is something missing?"

Unless we 'stop' and reflect on what we are doing, whether through meditation or spending some time alone, and realign our priorities so as to 'live' some of the things now which we have relegated to some time in future, we can't be happy and peaceful. Actually there is no race, and there is absolutely no need trying to 'become' someone else, as we are complete in ourselves. We have to start living our lives 'mindfully' as they say in Buddhism, which means that whatever we do, we do with full attention. Then our present will become stress-free and joyful!

Today is my daughter Ruchika's birthday

Although all days are good days, but today is special! It's my elder daughter Ruchika's birthday. She is my little angel born on 14th April, who transformed my status to motherhood, a very important milestone in a woman's life. She was our cute bundle of joy who made both (my husband and I) of us gear all our priorities in life, I mean ALL priorities, towards her. There is no experience like having children. If anyone wants the experience of having complete responsibility for another human being, and to learn how to love and bond in the deepest way, then she/he should have children.

All these years of her growing up into a young beautiful girl have been very precious to me, both in terms of fond memories as well as in making me a better person. When I close my eyes, I see small Ruchika playing endlessly in the courtyard of our home, running 'furiously' towards me when I returned home from college and jumping in my lap, showering all her love. How fondly she cared for her younger sister Neha, and how fiercely protective she was, and still is, of her! Both our daughters completed our family, and we got reasons to have more outings on the weekends, and to plan more holidays when they were younger. Now they are usually busy with their work and other things, but we always have this feeling called 'spiritual security' which means that we know that though we may not be together, they are watching out for us the whole time.

One of the many things I learnt over a period of time growing up with my daughters is importance of having love and great relationships among family members. If we don't have the support and love and caring and concern that we get from our family, we don't have much at all. Love is so supremely important. I feel really blessed to have so much love around me, from my husband, children, parents, relatives and friends that I sometimes feel God has been too kind to me!

Eight cows story

Today I am going to write about one of the very important attributes of a happy and fulfilled person, and that is his self-esteem. Self-esteem of a person is extremely important in determining his worth and increasing his beauty and other qualities. Here is the story,

In a tribe in South Africa, there is a custom that at the time of marriage, the bridegroom gifts cows to the bride's father. The number of cows presented depends upon the social status of the groom as well as beauty of the girl.

The chief of the tribe was a young man, handsome and well-built and all beautiful girls longed for him. However, there was a simple girl who lived next door and chief had his eyes set on her. So at the right time, he sent a message to the bride's father and asked for his daughter's hand. He also promised to give 8 cows to him. Everybody was shocked because even for the most beautiful girls, only 4-5 cows were offered. This was a very ordinary-looking girl.

They got married and started living happily. Everyone noticed that simple girl looked so beautiful after marriage. One day, a news reporter came to interview the chief. Halfway through the interview, a beautiful lady came and offered tea and went away. The reporter asked who was she. When chief replied that she was his wife, he looked in disbelief. He told that he had the impression that chief had given 8 cows for an ordinary girl. But this was no ordinary girl. She was very beautiful. How come?

The chief explained that by giving 8 cows to her father, the girl was made to realize that she was the best, much more worth than all those worth 4 cows. That boost in self-esteem made her beautiful.

Friends, this story tells us how important it is to raise someone's self-esteem, and also how easy it is! It is in our hands what we think, how we behave and what we say or do, and all these determine ones' self-esteem.

Welcome speech to the Incoming Prefectorial Board,2004 by my daughter Neha

Yesterday I was cleaning my younger daughter Neha's bookshelf when I chanced to get the welcome speech she had given as outgoing Head Prefect of her school, Methodist Girls School, Singapore(after her 'O' level graduation). It brought back memories of 2004, and how proud we had felt at her achievements! Here is the transcript of her speech.

Good morning.... everyone.......

Wow, it's really nice to hear all-girls singing again. Today, it is indeed with a loving heart and joyous song that I speak of MGS. Other institutions of learning may be places of academic excellence, fond friends and warm memories, but MGS will always be more. Even though I have graduated, I still hold a very special place in my heart for this school.

But enough of my reminiscing. We are all gathered here for a more important reason than to hear last year's head prefect moan and groan about how much she misses MGS. We are not just here to officially install the prefects of 2004 but also to commend their efforts so far.

Most of you must have heard of the value of 'serving by leading' and 'leading by serving'. These prefects here today have been elected as leaders amongst the students of this school. And, make no mistake about it--- it is the responsibility of a leader to serve those who have given her this power of leadership. Leadership isn't about being in control all the time. As leaders, your peers will count on you to provide direction and guidance in every aspect of school life by setting an example. Know that when much is given, much is expected. You have been given great power and you are to deal it out with responsibility and humility.

Use your authority wisely, and invest it into furthering the ambitions of our school. At the same time, do not be apprehensive or discouraged by such a responsibility but be bold and courageous. It is an honour to serve the school as a leader, and to lead by serving the students of this school.

During my term last year, Mrs Yap wrote this quote to me, "The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra." This I feel very aptly describes the values of the prefectorial board and every single MGSian, of MGS as a whole.I believe that each and every one of you was made a prefect for a reason. The prefectorial board has had a rich legacy of excellence and it's now your turn to uphold it and this too is not coincidental. Don't be afraid to go where there are no footsteps to follow in because creating new footsteps is precisely your job as leaders.

So, prefects of 2004, I hope that you will remember this--- You are heiresses of great power as well as responsibility and when these virtues blend, God-willing, the spirit of the blue and gold shall permeate throughout the school and touch every fibre of every student's being. It is your duty, your faith, to keep the MGS flame burning with fierce pride as you nobly run the race.

Based on first hand experience, you are all an amazing bunch of fine ladies, with double servings of enthusiasm and diligence. Last year, seeing you work on the various projects we undertook, I can conclude beyond reasonable doubt that you all are one of the best teams I've ever worked with! There were 72 of us and the collective power of 72 is immense. You did a great job last year and I have faith that this year will only be better!

At this point, I would have proposed a celebratory toast to the succeeding batch of prefects but it's illegal in more than one way.

To all of you, may the academic year be bountiful. Work hard, play hard and party hard. Cherish your friends and teachers. Believe me, you'll miss them. Here I also want to thank everyone who made last year so successful. A big thank you to the school administration and teachers for listening to our lofty dreams and helping us realize them. And for the memories, experiences and, most importantly, love, thank you very much MGS!

So with that, I wish the prefects of 2004 a fruitful year ahead. To Gerry and Nadine and the other 70 prefects, I wish you the very best of luck.

How we behave with our mother

Today I had gone for my weekly massage and the masseuse is Indonesian. She is very good with her hands, and I really get transported to euphoric feeling, of being totally relaxed both mentally and physically. We have now developed a close relationship that we both know each other's family details also. So during the intermittent talks we have during massage, she mentioned something which left me thinking on how we behave with our mother can affect her so much! Here's the story....

Let's call my masseuse Jane. She has been working in Singapore for the last ten years in the spa industry, and has been supporting her family of four younger sisters, two brothers and widowed mother back home in Indonesia. Two of her sisters have even managed to go to the University for tertiary education. Jane practically takes care of all their financial needs. She sends the money to her mother, who then gives it to the sibling needing it. She recalled one time when her sister called her from the hostel asking for money. Jane told her that she would remit the money that day and she could go to her mother the next day to take the money. Her sister tried to convince her to remit the money directly to her but she persisted, and sent to her mother only.

Her explanation opened my eyes! Jane explained that she had been doing that way for the last few years, remitting money to the mother, and not her siblings directly, though that money was mainly used to pay their tuition fees, etc. She said that due to this arrangement, her mother felt 'important' as elder in the family as anyone needing money had to ask her. If Jane had sent the money directly to her siblings, her mother would not have been involved, and hence would feel neglected (more so she was a widow and not earning). By her thoughtful action, Jane had given her mother the status of the head of the family, which in turn, meant she felt wanted and became the pivot of the family. In fact, Jane told that even she asks her mother for money when she visits her back home. In her own simple way, Jane was practicing how to take care of one's feelings, enhancing their self-worth!

Interest and initiative are important for success

When we talk of success, it means doing a task well, be it in any area, like studies, job, cooking, sports, etc. For that to happen, two things are vital, interest and initiative. Let me explain.

Unless we are interested in something we are not attracted to it, and hence we won't do it. For example, suppose I am interested in learning to play the piano, then I would look for the teacher, start taking lessons, and might be able to learn well. This finding the teacher and start taking lessons depends on the initiative taken by me. So my interest in learning music coupled with the initiative taken will lead me to learn to play the piano, not just the interest.

Consider another scenario, when we are not interested in doing something but it needs to be done (studies falls into this category for many students). In such a situation, first we have to take the initiative to put effort in its learning. As positive results start coming, we usually start developing interest in that, and then more initiative, and the cycle continues. Hence interest and initiative are like two pillars if you wish to achieve anything successfully.

Confidence vs clarity

The other day I was talking with Jeremy who was very confused about what course he should do in the university. He said that he was feeling anxious as he was not confident whether the choice he was making was good for him or not. I sat down with him, and asked him some open-ended questions about what he wanted to do after he graduated, what areas/subjects interested him, etc. After an hour or so, he looked visibly relaxed, though no decision was made yet. What caused that change in his confidence?

All of us have gone through this type of situation some time or the other, when we feel lost, confused with many choices/thoughts as we call them, and seem to have low confidence in ourselves. The problem lies not in our character, but in having lack of clarity on the issue at hand. As we go through the problem step by step, look at various options, and then list the do-able actions to be taken, half the battle is won. Then the first step/action is taken, which may be just to find more information on Google or to call a person to fix an appointment for the meeting. Followed by next action, and next... we start getting confidence as clarity starts dawning on the problem. I usually call it (in a form of equation),

Confidence = clarity on the problem/ clear instructions.

I have seen over a period of time, that when one is able to convert any new task or problem into clear instructions, he feels more confident and better equipped to handle the situation. This is because our mind needs clear, bite-sized instructions to follow, rather than fuzzy thinking repeatedly. So next time when you are feeling low on confidence, sit down for a while, think what is the problem, convert it into clear action points or instructions, and take the initiative to do the first step immediately. You will be amazed at your own work!