Why People Misunderstand Each Other

How many times have we felt that we were misunderstood by the other person? Many times, right! However hard we may try to come across to others in a certain way, they may still perceive us in an altogether different way. For example, we may think that by offering help to someone, we are being generous. But that person may interpret that as a lack of faith in his abilities. This sort of misunderstanding happens both at workplace and in personal life, and leads to conflict and resentment.

Most of the time, we don't realize that we are not coming across to others the way we think we are. This gap arises due to a phenomenon which psychologists call "the transparency illusion"--the belief that what we feel, desire, and intend to do is clear to others, even though we do not communicate clearly what is going on inside our minds.

What happens in reality is this: our mind processes information, including information about others, through two distinct stages-- a fast and automatic stage (which processes information quickly and automatically), and a reflective and deliberative stage (which processes information in a conscious, rational, and deliberative manner). 

These two stages correspond to the two ways our nervous system works-- the first one is called reflex action where our body responds automatically to a stimulus. For example, when we touch a hot surface, our hand automatically moves away. This bypasses the brain to save time and is important for our survival. The second pathway involves brain, and hence cognition happens, using past experiences and building new neuronal connections. This takes some time, hence it is also called deliberative.

The fast and automatic stage is at work when we are doing routine work like driving on familiar roads while talking to a friend in the car, or doing simple maths problems, or when we see someone smile and 'know' that he is happy. This stage uses shortcuts to come to conclusions about another person by reading facial expressions, body language, and intentions, which produces our "first impressions" about that person.

The reflective and slower stage is at work when doing more complicated maths problem, or when driving on new routes, or figuring out solutions to a new problem. Unlike the fast stage, where thinking is automatic and effortless, reflective stage thinking requires a lot of effort and mental energy. Most of us being cognitive misers, which means we are lazy thinkers, are fine to trade off speed for accuracy in thinking about others. Hence our earlier impression formed about others remains the same!

Besides this, our perception about the other person is affected by our own experiences, emotions, and biases, and this also contributes to misunderstandings between people. To avoid  these misunderstandings, we need to become a good sender of the right signals than to just hope that others will make effort to really understand us the way we intend to be understood. We can't control what's going on inside of another person's mind, but we can control how we come across to them by sending 'clear signals'-- both verbal and non-verbal.

People who send clear signals to others are ultimately happier and more satisfied with their relationships, careers and lives than those who are more difficult to read. This is because 'feeling understood' is a basic human need. When it is satisfied, people feel more at peace with themselves and with others around them. In short, if we wish to be understood correctly by others, we need to communicate clearly our intentions, emotions and what we expect them to do.